FOREWORD
Cowardice, a simple English word that has a very simple meaning- to not be courageous.
But the interpretation of This one simple word, has turned many heads, i think.
The Cowardice of a kid while facing his school bullies, his cowardice is seen when he flinches his hands back when the math tutor tries to thrash him for not doing his home-work. His cowardice is also seen when he isnt ready to face his father when he dumps a paper at school. Well Cowardice, for a long time remains an implication of Absence of Courage. Until you turn into an Adult
While the world claims, we are all successful, sophisticated and Civilised Men and Women, everyone isnt unaware of the glaring truth that all we are, are Failed Adults.
For the world, we are tough, Suited, Civilised "Men and women" but only the loved know how pathetically Dismal our lives are.
The glassy offices and cars with glossy finishes do put in their efforts to make us look presentable and pretty to the feighning bunch of dingleberries around us, but the vulnerable side, the raw and the unfiltered side of ours, knows how sore of losers we all are.
This story is of Sid, and his love. Of his Purity and Perverse. and much importantly, his Cowardice.
A charmer with his words, but a terrible pre diabetic with nothing much to look at other than the giant tummy he tucks carefully in the perfectly fit clothes, with a residing hairline and an exponentially increasing debt and Blood Pressure, Sid is any other Fat Indian guy with a terrible luck with women.
The only two women this short story focuses on, are Shivi and Vaidhehi.
chapter 1: Parking Lot
Sid and Vaidhehi Meet, Two giggling friends of Vaidhehi, Vaidhehi's sister at a distance.
Parking Lot, 2:30pm, 9th February 2020.
Sid and Vaidhehi exchange glances, probably for the last time, as few of their batchmates take selfies around the Parking lot, as a memory of the lovely school they have been a part of.
This was their farewell, an end to the happiest days of their lives. As Vaidhehi and her elder sister murmer in themselves, an explosion of feelings take place in Sid's Heart. An explosion similar to how the Shatabdi runs or maybe like the Adrenaline Rush that the teenagers have while kissing their partners.
Usually a charmer with his words, Sid had a commendable reputation amongst the People around for his oratory skills, but today, his voice seems to have gone to a vacation, his confidence, a trip to the furthermost point underground and his brain, to maybe Feed on some hay.
He was not able to speak. The reasons were many, but prominent were the tears.
"But why am I sobbing?"he thinks to himsef, and there exists no specific answer.
The girl was quite patient, but ofcourse was a pretty lady afterall. How would she confess?
Why would she, easily the most prettiest lady in the school, confess to this sore loser who has lost his words, just as their eyes meet?
Irrespective of her having feelings, why would she make the first move?
And as Sid stood there staring at her Hopeful pretty eyes, she silently withdraws.
Little did he know, that there wont be another meeting, there wont be another chance, another evening when he shall meet her, and finally confess as they were barely aware of the Disaster they were about to face.
He lost. And the flood of questions start in his head, "what if this was onto something?"
"What if She actually liked me?" "What if she was waiting for me to confess my feelings to her, and i just wasted all this time and a lot more?".
This teenage fat guy was rather Optimistic. Optimistic beyond expectations, some would say. Or simply put in internet language "Delulu".
After the initial wave of Optimistic cursing self, self doubt and disgust on the "cowardice" of onself, A bigger wave of reinforcing Rationalising thoughts strike his teeny tiny brain.
"What if there was actually nothing"? "What if she was waiting for me to confess so that she could reject me to satisfy her ego, afterall she actually is the prettiest in her peers"?
"Why would she even love me?"
"Why did I love her"? and the biggest question where the Sharpest minds stumble,
"Am i even Lovable"?
June 3, 2016.
A little fat boy, incompletely dressed, though decent. Late to the school, as usual and hurriedly entering the class, 9th D.
Well this was almost around 2 days past the new academic year started, but this was the day all of this started.
The first hour was of Science class, and the teacher, alsmost like all the other science teachers, was not someone who would let students enter the class late.
While the teacher was shouting at Sid, with a squeaky voice that would always irritate to hear, and words that were reallly really insulting with some shots of Freshly baked personal judgments of how the student was, by his looks, The student wasnt there to take any of this.
He stood there, at the door, and saw this one girl, which he actually knew before, since his 4th grade, but never seen the face of, or if seen, never noticed.
Boy she was pretty. Her smile though was more of a laugh here on the latecomer being insulted, was so pretty. Her eyes had the energy to pull a heavyweight champion this guy was. they had this wierd sparkle whenever she smiled. Her smile started from the left corner of her mouth and extended to the right, which was, back then something unusual to this wild boar of a guy who never observed people smile.
She had this sort of a grace that she Carried with her. Almost malnourished, this girl was exactly the opposite of Sid.
And then, the bollywoodia Subconcscious declared this as his first infatuation. A crush that would have been a good memory, if this coward didnt do what he was upto.
A crush, that wasnt quite a crush, had a full scope of becoming a love story. But never became one.
well the story doesnt begin- its a common mistake- while we think the story begins with a definite incident or moment- stories, specifically about love.. or Love- doesnt have a definite beginning..
but its all the omens that have a backstory- this love has a backstory to their days in class 6th- well a long before though.. but a recognisable moment of sprawling love is always when the kids and their voices start to creak- when Vaidehi an Sid enter their adolescence..
A very fictionally typical backbencher- with a heavyset body and a premiscous reputation of "getting his things done, no matter how", Sid sat in the last bench.. the heaven of a backbencher and the safest space for an introvert. Teachers wont expect you to be bright so the class interaction is low- peers dont expect you to be smart so there is minimal personal interaction and the school definitely doesnt expect a very active student- so bare minimum discipline is expected.
sticked to his seat, Sid was struggling with his own self- science wasnt a cup of his tea, well never was- the sixth grade kid would argue about "okay what do i do by knowing this?" but the teacher- would never entertain the reasons and reasonabilities of the subject.. and then this not so hyper active student would easily lose his interests in science as early as the third class of the science subject- molecules it read, the textbook- not a single hoot given.
The fun part about real life is that there is no bollywood.. there is no "maula mere maula mere" playing in the background- there are no white girls dancing around you- no kailash kher singing the songs of first loves and romances- its all Vanilla and a lot of shades of vannila.
Popular, smart, abundantly beautiful and reluctantly frontbencher type- Vaidehi was a heck of a lady- with a new found love for curls- might be the first time she tried making them, looked like- with the naturally curly but forced curls, falling on her forehead and her beautiful eyes, she sat in the middle most bench a class would ever have- middle row, middle seat, third bench. well.. who thought she might be the centre of attraction, eh?
Surprising part however is the fact that Sid didnt knew this is the lady he has been correcting poems of- oh yeah poetry and cricket an unusual combination- but true nevertheless.
Sid had always had a good hand at poetries and fiction and Vaidehi was an introvert who would participate in competitions that would not require her participation physically- usually the poetry submissions to schools yearbook or these poetry competitions.. but she had a little problem with the schemes or to say she had a problem with the "urge to follow a scheme". Sid however was someone who would see a poem in the simplest forms- you dont have to rhyme to make sense, you just have to provoke a thought and that you shall do with the simplest of the words- he would say..
the thing here was sid was having this extensive relationships with faculty and the student representatives that these poetries after getting submitted, once got to his hand- he did read and liked vaidehis poetry.. she had beautifully related "love" and water- a pretty simple analogy but something to ponder upon a class six student i guess.
he did read her poetries- did his corrections and submitted them back- getting her accolades, quite a few times.. but never did he read the name of the submission writer- Vaidehi Gundapalli.
Sid was so inattentive in his class and eccentric as an introvert who would just find comfort in sitting at the back and silently passing the time, that it took one whole grade- grade six to even know there was one Vaidehi in the class he attends daily!
it was only in grade 7, that he knew this girl and by knowing we mean falling for her.
well, falling for her would be an extravagant exxageration- would a class 7 kid know whats "falling for someone"? but the liking and observing this girl- well that starts here.
