Stargirl
Well, not another poem, but this would be a simple rant on how foolish i can be and how complicated feelings can actually be.
Stargirl, was the name i gave to the girl i loved Back in my teenage. I called her with the name, though she never Recognised but when she finally did, it was when she saw her contact with the same name in my phone,
My explanation was simple, she was my stargirl, because she was my star. she made school interesting, she made art, understandable and she made me, a better person, merely by her existence.
Well, things didnt know how i planned they would, in my delusive thoughts, and we didnt become what i wished we would be.
Her beautiful eyes always stumped me, her smile made me speechless and her beauty, made me inferior.
yes, inferior, might not be a very demure word to use, but i am not a poet with a lot of words.
she was beautiful and i never confessed, though partly only through my poems, i did express my feelings towards her, but ofcourse she opined i wasnt the best fit for her.
As time passes, the love though existing gets meaningless apart from poems that would just be mere coping mechanisms from any average boring/tired/frustrating day of my life.
And then enters this girl, and exposes how shallow I actually am.
I am nothing but a fat loser, i have always opined. But this girl made me realise, i was wrong.
Apart from being a fat loser, i was also a person who lost his love and the ability to love.
it just took me months to reconfirm my feelings towards her. How pathetic is that for a lover like me?
How cowardly is it for a man like me?
This time around, monsoons seemed a little different for me. I realised I fell again, might not be harder than the first one, but this fall was different.
The first one, was a brat, an expressive lover who failed only because of his own inferiority.
That Brat was young, stupid, carefree and madly in love
This one isnt.
This one is fully grown man, not feeling inferior but simply waiting for the right time.}
An adult, with adult feelings. A man who was genuinely in love.
Might not be as expressive and carefree like his younger self, but in love.
As I failed to recognise, time has shown its wrath. The right time, just never arrived
and the person became somebody else's.
And the worst thing is, this one is different.
The first one, was never my friend, was always the girl i wanted to be mine.
This one, however has been a dear friend, dear ofcourse due to the lack of Friends, or Maybe due to the feelings I have for her.
I talk to her everyday, every night, Social media ofcourse makes it easier but also makes every effort to move on over her, a lot more Worser a fight.
Should i be a good friend and help her have a healthy relationship, with her loved one, which ofcourse i dreamt of being?
Ofcourse, thats what friends do!. But what about me, as a lover?
i know my feelings are genuine, theres no perverse in having feelings on a caring, cute and stupendously talented woman, is there any?
She tells me about how her boyfriend is so cute, sends me their cute chats, i see them moving around as the new couple around the campus, their friends discussing about their wedding at Udaipur Palace.
And trust me when i say, everytime i see them, my sinful brain, imagines the same scene, only with me besides her.
How do i tell her, when she reads my poems online and replies "oho whos this girl?", that is HER!
How do i tell her my poems are for her, about her and around the delusion i have been feeling, about "us"?
How do i tell her, that with every little detail she tells about how her day went, a tear rolls down my cheeks and i blame myself for being late, once again.
The right time, shall arrive i guess.
Or maybe the right time never Arrives.
Maybe ill once again write another blog, like now, i turned up here after 4 years.
Maybe, Feelings are actually more precious than whatever we do, whatever we aspire to do, and whatever we have done till date.
Love, as i read somewhere, isnt the base emotion that we Attribute it to be. It is something that makes a human, a human, any living being, Living. If not for love, is life even worth living?
The closure was less complicated the first time around,i was madly in love and she was never.
She wasnt my friend, though i was always one.
This time around, the closure is complicated. If i confess, ill lose a dear friend of mine, and if i dont, ill end up exactly the way i was, like a kid.
This one's special, she makes me feel special. Not by mere existence but by actually caring about me.
This girl, literally and functionally is the only friend that cares for me. I have not many friends as I said, it's just two of my School-time nincompoops and this beautiful lady.
I am a Female-Repellent and everybody knows it, but this girl, this girls different.
But alas, I have been late, as always.
She found a love, truer and more-senior than mine (I'm not sure, but ofcourse I know their acquaintance is longer than mine, so I assume)...
I take pride in being an emotionless man, but how can I belittle love?
I got hurt when somebody belittled mine, I'm sure I can if I try, but I won't.
But do i want to end up like the previous time? Hell no.
What should this stupid do?
I have zero idea, and it hurts me that ive become such stupid.
